Thursday, June 16, 2011

A New Me...My OWN Me!

Disclaimer: This is therapeutic to me and is not meant to be taken as a "bashing" on anyone (except maybe ME)!

There are some major things weighing heavily on my mind, lately, and I just feel like talking about them. When I look back on how I was raised, the environment I grew up in, and my life now, I really get frustrated...mainly at myself, since that is who I am responsible for. I saw a quote recently from Rick Warren, who stated, "You are a product of your past, but it doesn't have to be your present..." And, that struck a chord in me...Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't grow up in a home where there was any sexual or physical abuse going on, but, I KNOW that there are things that was said and done that made me into who I am today...some good, some bad!

As some of you may know, for as long as I can remember, I have always had a very strained relationship with my mother. I mean, if I can be honest, when I hit my "teenage" years, no, I wasn't always the easiest child to live with or love for that matter. I don't know if it was hormones or the fact that JUST before that stage in my life, I was bullied and treated like scum at school....OR the latter! All I know is, my mom and I have clashed ever since I was able to talk...

The problem that I struggle with now is.....working on NOT becoming the very thing that I despise in my mother! I don't ever want to become so impatient and angry with my kids that I would ever refer to them as a "brat", no matter how "bratty" they may be acting at the time. I never forgot that.

It seems like the more time progresses and moves forward, the more my parents want to make me more of an "enemy" than their friend or daughter. If she felt compelled to choose sides between one of my siblings and myself, she will choose them EVERY time....even when I am in the right. Even my aunt said some really hurtful things about me to my mother and she did not defend me. That hurt more than I think SHE even knows....even though I have tried to explain it a million times. When did I NOT become worth defending??? Or was I ever?? Did I deserve to be thrown up against a locker with a pocket knife held to my neck at 12-years old?? Was it something I did or said that made it okay for my ex- to grab me by the neck and throw me up against the car and push me?? Did I deserve to be called a "Brat" my whole life?? When does it end??

The sad thing is....the very things she despises in me is the VERY thing she, maybe it's not ME she hates.

Please don't misunderstand this blog. I am not writing this to demean or insult my mom. She is who she is and I can't control that (which, I admit, is REALLY frustrating...), but, is it safe to say that I don't want to be like her?? When does it become NOT "honoring" your parents anymore by saying that?? But, I see things that I have gotten from her and trust me....if you know what I'm talking about and hate that about me, then just know, I LOATHE those things a thousand times more and I can guarantee you...I am more critical about myself than anyone can ever say to me.

Maybe, I'm a little gutsy in writing this blog, but, when I have everything written out, I can better gather my thoughts and feelings.

I don't know if you have ever felt what I am feeling, but, it's a daily struggle! And, I can't finish this blog without mentioning the awesomeness of God in my life! He is not finished with me, yet!! He loves me no matter what!! He is so in love with me that He will not let me stay this way....and, I have to say....I am SOOO in love with my Jesus!! Thanks, Daddy, for loving and accepting me for who I am!! I would NOT be here today if it weren't for Your grace and compassion on me and my life!!