Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Where do I go from here?

It's been a little over a year now since our precious little boy was born and since my husband lost his job. I just have to blog because there is so much going on in my head, I just don't know how else to get it out. I have conflicting feelings going on in my head and a lot of guilt to follow that up. Six weeks after our son was born, I chose to quit my job and stay home with my baby, even though David had lost his job and was searching for a new one. Was it a wise choice or a selfish one? I feel so guilty because now, we are losing our home and are still struggling financially. My heart breaks at the outcome of our life. And, as a Christian, I find myself thinking that I need to be strong and "trust God" with everything, right? But, why can't I just be real about who I am without feeling guilty? A human...with REAL struggles, hardships, and feelings....
There are times that I wish that I could just stay in bed forever because I don't understand the seems that everything that I reach for turns to dust. I feel like a failure on this roller coaster of life. Nothing seems to be working out for us. I want to dwell on the positive of this, but, in my finite mind, I cannot grasp it. There is not much in which I have been successful in. It kills me to feel like a failure...I want to be good at something. I want to give my family something to be proud of. Instead, I feel like I am just a screw up...I don't know where my life is headed, but, I am really depressed. I need God to come sweep in and save the day...I am not sure how much more that I can handle. Life hurts too much right now!